Gender Roles

As a parent, the subject of Gender Roles has come up many times and I’ve decided to write out my point of view, o here we go….

My girls will never be expected to follow “gender roles”, I will encourage them to live out their lives by defying these roles. These roles are only harmful, they do not benefit children so matter how you view it. Lydia was playing with a tractor the other day and was SO happy playing with it, I could not imagine taking it away and telling her that this toy was just for boys and girls play with dolls only; It felt so wrong and from that moment on I decided that if Lydia and Willow LIKE boy things and want to wear boy clothing, I won’t tell them no, I won’t tell them that’s wrong, I wont force them to wear “Girly” clothing or play with girly things, I will let them climb trees, play in mud, throw rocks and be little country girls just like if they decided to only play with dolls, dress in pink only and hated mud. WHOEVER THEY CHOOSE TO BE IS FINE BY ME!  I also will allow my  future son to play with baby dolls, I will also let my son play dress up with his sisters if he wants to, that’s not raising a future gay man that’s raising a gentle soul who will be an amazing father to his children and a gentle husband to his soulmate. There should be NO LABELS on clothing and toys meant for children, there should be NOTHING that is labeled for girls/boys only. I loooove watching Lydia’s personality come out more and more as she grows and I already know she’s a Tomboy at heart and I will let her thrive in that. STOP TELLING CHILDREN WHO TO BE, LET THEM LIKE WHATEVER THEY WANT TO. STOP FOLLOWING GENDER ROLES. 

I also felt that I should add that my girls will be aware that they are badass independent females who breath fire but they will not be defied by gender roles EVER.
*If you feel the need to try to fight me on this, you can save your energy and just shut your mouth and move along.*

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Raising A Wild Child

Lydia is the definitely without a doubt the definition of free, fiery, strong, stubborn, sweet, loving, beautiful and wild child.

You know how they say that sometimes the baby’s personality in the womb reflects how they’ll be outside of it? I should of believed that her personality in the womb would set the personality of her outside of it. She MOVED ALL THE TIME! She went crazy mainly at night but oh boy, her kicks were intense and strong; She did have a quiet period like most babies do, she was quiet during the morning and then was 4pm hit she was CRAAAAZY.

She is filled with so much personality; She is honestly such a joy to raise but sometimes…. my patience is thinner with her than I like to admit, I feel she deserves a better mother than me. Raising a wild child is HARD; All children are hard sometimes but when your child has such a strong personality it makes it much harder. Having a wild child has grown me so much, it has brought me out of my comfort zone, it has made me exhausted emotionally, filled my heart with amazing love and she has made me a better person. I’ve come to realize that even on the days where I feel like I fail her, that I am the only person that can Mother her, I was chosen to be her mother and her my daughter, We are the perfect fit even on the days where it seems like we are not. I’ve also learned a few things that a Wild child needs extra of from their mothers…. They need extra grace when they fall short, they need extra praise when they do something good, they need extra emotional support because sometimes they are super super emotional and they may not even understand why. Learning to go with the flow of Lydia sometimes, I’m also  learning that Lydia is not against me when she has a bad day of misbehaving, she truly isn’t.

I sure do love my wild child. 

Writer’s Block.

I’m very determined to stay with this blog but I’ve come down with a case of serious Writer’s Block. If you are a fellow blogger, you are totally aware of the case of Writer’s block. It’s weird…. It’s like I have all these good ideas in my head but I just can’t seem to write them down to make sense. I hope my writer’s block will go away soon so I can write some more posts. I can’t see who views my blog each day but whoever you are; THANK YOU! Thank you for viewing and hopefully reading the few posts I have. Hopefully I’ll have some more posts up by next week.

With love,
Hope. 

FED IS BEST!

I wasn’t able to nurse either of my girls like I wanted or how long I wanted. My goal with both was at least year maybe longer. Lydia was a great nurser but she developed a lactose allergy and it got really bad to a point of vomiting, not spit up but VOMITING on anything and everything after each nursing session, I finally knew we needed to call it quits with nursing when she begun pooping blood.  I was sad and discouraged that my body had failed to connect well with hers.  We switched to a lactose free formula and oh boy did she start thriving! Brand new baby; fussiness after nursing GONE. Vomiting and pooping blood GONE.  In that situation, if formula did not exist… My precious Lydia would of failed to thrive, I can only imagine what happened to babies before formula. After I saw how much of a difference that formula made in her little life, I knew that FED IS BEST.

With Willow, it started with a lip and tongue tie; Once that got fixed, she nursed PERFECTLY for four days and then just started to reject me, no matter what I did. Nothing was wrong with her or me… She just didn’t want to nurse so I began pumping *SUCH HARD WORK LIKE WOAH!* I pumped for almost two months before yet again my body failed me and my supply dried completely up. During those almost two months of pumping I would only get 1oz so I tried almost everything I knew to try “boosting it” my wonderful mother in law made me lactation cookies *YUM!* and nothing worked…. My body basically just said “Nope.” and like that, my pumping journey was over too. The bitterness towards my body set in hard, I thought I’d be okay but I’m actually really bummed but Willie is thriving on her formula, she’s happy and healthy as is her formula-fed-for-12-months big sister. Breastmilk is truly liquid gold and is so so AMAZING but the truth is, some babies just can’t do breastmilk and that’s okay. My babies couldn’t do breastmilk and that is OKAY. My babies are thriving and I’m so glad. I will work through this disappointment in my body but I focus on the fact that I tried with both girls, I tried, I fought hard to make it work and it just didn’t.   The feeding debate can get really heated; It truly should NOT matter how a baby is fed, as long as they have full tummies, warm clothes and love they are good to go! 

 

Lydia’s Birth Story!

All of my pregnancies (and future ones) have been miracle pregnancies due to the fact that I was told at 11 that my endometriosis had screwed up my uterus so bad already that having kids in the future was mostly like not gonna happen.   So every time I get pregnant, I truly rejoice…
Lydia was our first miracle baby… I don’t want to call her an oops; Let’s call her a happy little accident 😉 which is what she was but we were thrilled to be pregnant. I had a wonderful pregnancy besides being nauseated almost 24/7 even with zofran.

Time seemed to drag on and fly by at the same time during my pregnancy, Weird that time can do that huh?  April 1st 2016 5am; (I just turned 36 weeks that morning,) Nate and myself were both awake because we both had a random surge of energy that caused us to pull an all nighter. I was sitting on our bed when Nate scared me which caused me to sneeze and then BAM! Water broke. I had a stuffy nose, so I told Nate that I thought my water broke and to smell the patch of wet on our bed… I will not forget his facial expression it went form “Um..?” to “WHAT! SMELL IT?” real quick, if your confused why you’d smell it, its because your waters can smell sweet so I wanted to make sure it wasn’t like urine or something. Sure enough it smelled a tiny bit sweet and we knew that it was BABY DAY! Such a funny way to have your water break I think. We decided to just wait to go into the hospital until my appointment; So convenient that I had a 36 week checkup the morning my water goes. Got to my appointment, Doctor confirmed it was my waters and we headed to L+D (Labor and Delivery) which was just down the hall, literally. I delivered at Seaside Providence Hospital which is a small hospital and my doctors office was in the hospital.   It was 12:30pm when we finally got checked in and started the induction process, Again I lost track of time and didn’t care. They started pitocin right away since I was at the time frame when infection can set in.   I was having A TON of contractions and not feeling a thing, the nurses were so impressed that I wasn’t in extreme pain with how many “mountains” were appearing on their monitors. Thankfully I didn’t feel my contractions for 14 hours of my 23 hour labor!    When back labor started, I thought I was gonna die. Back labor is NO JOKE. I’ve had it twice now and man… DOES NOT GET EASIER WITH EACH BABY. *Brief language ahead* With the amount of pain I was in, my mind went wacky; I had it in my head that if they cut off my butt, yes that’s right. CUT OFF MY BUTT?? It would ease the pain, so I asked the nurse to cut off my butt – She responded with “No, you are fine.”  She probably wanted to laugh at me. That nurse suddenly turned into my worse enemy for saying no, so I turned to Nate and said “I need you to do me a favor… I need you to cut off my butt since that B**** won’t do it. I don’t need a butt, just do it.” I’m also certain that Nate giggled a little bit as he told me “No, you don’t want your butt cut off.” That’s when I screamed out that I needed the “DRUGS” so they got the anesthesiologist to come to my room, He was an awesome awesome dude. He made me laugh as he was putting the epidural in, he did have to redo it because I moved soShe it didn’t go in properly. I will say that getting an epidural is not that bad, It was so quick and all I felt was a little poke and then pressure. My epidural did not work all the way though, so I was pissed that it didn’t numb me at all and that I was still in pain when pushing time came around.

I pushed for 3 torturous hours. Little miss stubborn Lydia decided to be sunny side up which is NOT good when your delivering so she was stuck. I was losing it, I couldn’t do it anymore, I started to have panic attacks and would stop breathing (I myself would hold my breath not anything else causing that, just in case you were worried 😉 haha.) My doctor looked at me once I reached 3 hours of pushing and literally yelled at me“HOPE! YOU NEED TO RELAX AND PUSH WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A C SECTION? I KNOW YOU REALLY DONT SO CALM DOWN AND PUSH!”  I’m glad she yelled at me because it woke me up and I realized that I needed to get Lydia out, so one push and the assistance of the vacuum; on April 2nd at 2:25AM she was earthside! 7lbs and 18 inches of perfection. She didn’t cry when she came out, she just sort of whined until she was placed on my chest. I unfortunately tore 4th degree which is the worst you can tear in a delivery and it took me 6 months to fully heal but Lydia was worth all of that difficult delivery and recovery.

 

She makes my life so fun.

Willow’s Birth Story

In honor of my dear Willie being born a month ago as of 3 days ago, I decided to write out her birth story; This won’t be a crazy long blog post since my labor wasn’t that long 😉 Haha.

My precious Lydia came at 36 weeks, fully developed and healthy. I was hoping once I reached 30 weeks with our Willie that I would go into labor again early like with her big sister; That wasn’t the case even though once I reached 33 weeks she dropped and engaged herself showing signs of being ready to go! She teased us, tisk tisk. Every week that I was still pregnant dragged on, I enjoyed each week I was pregnant still even though I was extremely uncomfortable, I did complain a lot too, When you can barely eat and walk cause of pain you’d complain as well; at least a little. I reached my duedate, no signs of baby coming so my AMAZING doctor scheduled my induction for November 30th at 7AM, I was 40 weeks + 5 days, so almost 41 weeks pregnant. We woke up on the 30th, got Lydia ready to head to Grammy’s and then we were off to the birthing center. By the way- Leaving your firstborn, your “BABY” and knowing the next time you see them they will not be your only baby anymore is extremely emotional. I arrived to the birthing center with red and puffy eyes because I cried the whole way there… Leaving Lydia was HARD.

 

We arrived at the birthing center right at 7AM; We were greeted by wonderful staff and nurses, met the nurse who would be with me most of my induction process, got checked in, and got all admitted by 8:30AM-   My nurse was just about to call my doctor to tell her I was only a 3 in dilation and ask her if she could proceed with starting the induction process when I started feeling painless contractions and pressure, I told my nurse and she said “well yeah, those are contractions. We will just wait to see what Dr. Greig thinks when she gets here.” Dr. Greig arrived at 10:30am and checked me, I was a 4! Not much change but enough for her to think that maybe just maybe those contractions were doing something so she made the decision to wait until 1/2PM to officially start my induction, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little annoyed that she stalled it but I’m so glad she did because shortly after she left the nurse told to go walk the employee staircase for 20 minutes straight and rest for 20 minutes and repeat.. I started that at 11am, from there… That’s when I lost track of time and didn’t even care. The contractions started getting painful and started getting into a pattern; they also got closer together. I was a 5 and half when my doctor decided to break my water to really get things going- I actually remember that time, It was 2:45pm (From this point, I really do not know what time it was while I labored ha-ha-ha.) when she broke my water…   And let me tell you, once they break your water it really gets things going and things get waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more intense. I was determined to do it naturally,  and I did it. 5 hours of labors, 10 minutes of pushing without an epidural; Willow arrived on 11.30.17 weighing 9lbs 10oz.  YALL! IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF I DELIVERED AN ALMOST 10 LB BABY WITHOUT DRUGS!  I did slap my nurse and Nate’s hand away from my legs a few times just because they were bugging me, I may of also told Nate to shut up a few times when he was reminding me to breath and that I could do it. He is the BEST birth partner I could have asked to have; He’s simply amazing. I also kicked my doctor in the face….. Willow also pooped right as she was out, straight into my doctors shoe. Birth is AMAZING, messy, beautiful and sometimes hilarious. 

“There’s No Heartbeat.”

I had a previous post about my loss of Alexander on my other blog, I didn’t save it so I thought I’d rewrite one.  “There’s no heartbeat” 

50% of all pregnancies will end in a loss-
I did not think I would ever fail into that 50% but I did on September 3rd 2016. I can’t remember the date I first took the pregnancy test but I remember where I was, my reaction, Nate’s reaction and what my heart felt. I was sitting on our brand new apartment floor eating ice-cream that made me nauseated, I was also watching Netflix; Pretty sure I was watching FRIENDS. I was snap-chatting a dear friend of mine and I happened to tell her I had felt nauseous the last week or so, she asked me if I could be pregnant. I said “HECK NO.” I was confident in that response for two reasons: 1) I was only 4 months PP, and 2) at that time I was on birth control (Worst experience ever, never doing it again! Advice- STAY AWAY FROM HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL!)  She then asked if I had any extra tests that I could take JUST in case, to rule out a pregnancy; Conveniently I did have two digital pregnancy tests- I have no clue why I had them. Left overs maybe? Anyway, If you’ve ever taken a pregnancy test you’ll know that those 3 minutes can feel like an eternity, and this was my eternity; Lydia was asleep so I didn’t have any interruptions, I was able to sit and stare at the test for 3 minutes straight until the word “PREGNANT” popped up. It honestly first felt like a dream, just pinch yourself and wake up; NOPE. Real life. “Pregnant? Pregnant… Pregnant!”  My heart felt conflicted, one on hand I was very excited to have another life growing in me, but on the other hand it was scary that I would be putting myself through another pregnancy so quickly after Lydia, (I didn’t even heal from my rough delivery with Lydia until 6m PP) It was such a weird moment, It was like time stopped; I was so confused and freaked out that I texted my poor husband “I’m pregnant” Hahah… He wasn’t too thrilled to find out through text message. (He wasn’t home when I took the test).

When he got home, we snuggled, cried, and discussed how this would work; how we would make it work. We got excited…  We had two weeks of “new baby” bliss, I was pinning ideas of announcing, gender reveal, baby shower, baby photos on pinterest-We started to talk about baby names. Pure joy for two weeks before it all went wrong.  I woke up at 7/8am on September 3rd and went to the bathroom, Red… I saw red, and red means blood and blood means loss (in a lot of cases); If you are a mother or experienced a loss you know that blood in pregnancy is almost never good. My heart sank, I knew I just knew. I didn’t want to “know” so I tried to stay positive but then the cramps began, the migraine and nausea started that’s when I officially knew that my body betrayed me and that my baby was no longer living. He was gone.  I didn’t have time to cry, I had to get myself and Lydia ready for the busy day ahead of us so I simply bottled it up so I could get on with my day. I put on a pad, popped some tylenol and went on with the morning. When Nate woke up, I carelessly (But not really..) said “I think I’m miscarrying, so no more baby.”  my poor husband just looked at me like “Why aren’t you more upset about this?” He said, “oh…” and went in the bathroom. I continued to get ready; Looking back on that moment, I of course wish I would of done it differently but it was what it was, it’s how I reacted. It wasn’t until that evening when Nate and Lydia were sound asleep and I was alone that the grief hit me like a ton of bricks; the bottle I put all the emotions that I needed to, should of felt earlier in the day finally exploded, and I was a mess. The tears began flowing, the vomiting because the emotional pain was too intense began, I was broken.  For the first time in my life I was completely stripped down and broken into a million little pieces. I got angry, angry at my body, angry at God, angry at everything. I was angry at my body because it decided to not allow my precious baby that I wanted to grow to full term; It betrayed me, it didn’t do what it should of. I was angry at God for not giving me another healthy baby, I was angry that He wrote in my story to go through this pain for whatever reason; I learned in the “Angry at God” phase of my grief that He is God and I am not, I do not need to understand everything that happens even if I want to. The next 5 days I bled heavily and my body finished out the “miscarrying” process, I intensely grieved in those 5 days at the end of those 5 days; Nate approached me, out of the blue and said “Our son needs a name.”  I answered with “I agree.”  I had no name ideas, I didn’t even think of naming our son; I am so glad he thought of naming him. Nate came up with the name – Alexander Riley Church.  Isn’t it lovely? I loved it from the moment it left Nate’s lip. Alex, Alexander… Our sonAlexander means protector, and Riley means valiant. Naming our baby began the healing process, I slowly began to pick up the pieces of my broken soul and put them back together. I slowly began to be happy instead of heartbroken when Alexander would pop into my mind. I am happy because I know one day I’ll meet him, I’ll hold him. It’ll be great.

Alex would be turning the big T-W-O right along with his big sister Lydia this coming April. It’s crazy how fast time goes. I believe that Alex watches over us, and that he sent Willow, our rainbow baby girl to us. I believe that he protects his sisters even from above and that’s comforting.    I would say that I am healed; being healed though does not mean that I don’t ever miss Alex or get sad sometimes that he isn’t here.  I do miss him everyday, I do get sad sometimes because he isn’t here and that I’m not walking out milestones with him like I did and am doing with Lydia and Willow but I do find comfort that one day I will meet, hold, and kiss him.  To my fellow mamas of loss, just know that healing does come slowly but surely it will come. 

“Miscarriages are labor, Miscarriage are birth.To consider less dishonors the women whose wombs have held life however briefly.”

New blog; It’s staying this time.

I made a blog a couple months ago and then I made the decision to delete the entire blog  due to a toxic’s person stalking my blog, getting my posts; turning around and posting them on their facebook page saying horrible things about me and my writing. With some meditation and reflecting, I made another decision – To make a NEW blog and to KEEP WITH IT. No matter if this same person finds my new blog or not. I love to write, I have random thoughts and life stories that need a platform to be written out and hopefully *Fingers crossed* read by someone.

This post will just be a boring introduction post… So here we goooooooo.

“Hi, my name is Hope Church; Yep my last name is Church and I love it along with all the jokes that come with it! I’m married to my very best friend Nate, we have three children; Two are with us and one is in heaven. Lydia is our very spunky, stubborn, strong-willed almost two year old first born, next would be Alexander who is in heaven; We never got to know him unfortunately but we are looking forward to the day when we will. Last but not least is our rainbow baby girl Willow! She was born on 11.30.17 and is just a beautiful, calm (so far) soul. We all live in the beautiful state of Oregon. Nate works full time and I’m a stay-at-home-mom thanks to my husband’s hard work.”

So that’s my short introduction; My hope and goal for this blog like the other one is to write posts that people can relate to and be encouraged by what I write. This blog will be filled with serious posts and silly posts;It’ll be a fun time! I hope you will follow along.

 

  • Hope Church

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